12 Feb
Bandwagon roll call: PRESENT
I’ve seen this from a few of my friends recently, and I read it every time. This advice writer has captured the central essence of my lifestyle with admirable precision and eloquence. So, if you would like either: an answer to the question “What do you heifers DO all day?” or a smile if you KNOW what we heifers do all day, then read on.
>>>TELL ME ABOUT IT ®
By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, May 23, 2007; Page C10
The Washington Post
Carolyn:
Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What’d you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .
Okay. I’ve done Internet searches, I’ve talked to parents. I don’t get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don’t do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I’m asking is: What is a typical day and why don’t moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I’m feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy — not a bad thing at all — but if so, why won’t my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest (”My life is so much harder than yours”)? What’s the deal? I’ve got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
Tacoma, Wash.
Answer:
“Relax and enjoy. You’re funny.
Or you’re lying about having friends with kids.
Or you’re taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven’t personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?
I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.
So, since it’s validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm’s way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It’s needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It’s constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It’s constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It’s resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone’s long-term expense.
It’s doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.
It’s also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn’t judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.”<<<
Posted by Jackie on 02/12/09 at 8:48
I guess great minds think alike, second time I have seen this this morning
Posted by Greg on 02/12/09 at 8:56
Ohhhh SNAAAAAAAAAAAP! Somebody call the fire department, because someone just got burned!
Posted by kelly on 02/12/09 at 9:15
jackie: either great minds think alike or read each others’ blogs. i was too lazy to link before, but now that you mention it….
http://saraplayshouse.com/blog/
http://iammommyplussome.blogspot.com/
Posted by Danyelle on 02/12/09 at 10:07
I think maybe if these people that “work” 9 hours a day had their boss set up camp right next to them, I mean almost in their laps, if that would give them an idea of what constant really means. And when the boss is not on your lap, he could be somewhere else undoing all the work you just did, so either the boss is right ON TOP OF YOU, or you’re worried about where he is and what he’s doing.
Oh and plus the boss rides home with you and asks if he can sleep in your bed and kick you all night. Yes I think that would give an accurate picture.
Posted by Charlotte on 02/12/09 at 10:48
I sometimes wonder if these 9 to 5 ers ever have trouble making a doctor’s appointment, vet appointment, call the gas company with a quick question, make a call to the bank or just a quick call to friend to confirm a playdate, without a kid screaming in the background so much so that you need to lock yourself in a bathroom in order to hear the person on the other line. Or maybe you can just wait until you have the 1 1/2 naptime to make those calls, handle the never ending loads of laundry that is constantly produced by a toddler (remember those 9-5ers take half of their clothes to the dry-cleaners; i.e., pay someone else to clean their crap), clean up after breakfast, which usually includes mopping up a sticky or milky mess on the floor, table, walls, windows, etc. then in that same 1 1/2 be sure that you tidy up the house, clean all three bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, living room, (yeah, this is not done everyday, but with a child(ren) it is more often needed then a house without child), then consider what you are feeding your family for dinner tonight and make sure that you have all those items available in the frig/pantry. Then of course this is the best time to get your real “to do list” started which usually includes a trip to the store not just for standard household items, but don’t forget that birthday party for the 2 year old this weekend that you still don’t have a gift for because last time you were in Target, your toddler never let you pass the milk isle without having to leave before security considering asking you to leave because your toddler was disturbing other customers. Oh and for that 9-5er that seems to think a “quick” trip to the store should be easy, I challenge them to take my kid with them next time they go. I’ve never been in a store, even for a gallon of milk, that didn’t take 20-30 minutes plus just because I had to negotiate a quiet trip before entering; which ended up failing anyway. And one last reminder…now that we are “stay at home” moms, apparently we have time to handle all administrative tasks, which include filing, budget planning (because now we are trying to appropriately spend someone else’s money), calling your health insurance company to figure out why they didn’t pay a $700 claim correctly, meanwhile calling the doctor to ask them to put your account on hold because your insurance company is full of a bunch of idiots that can’t process claims. The call to the insurance company only took 1 hour the last time I called because I had to talk to more than one idiot. Lucky me, I had ½ to spare before “constant attention” woke up from his nap.
I use to regard stay at home moms the same way as these 9-5ers do (stay at home moms are lazy and don’t do anything all day), but now I realize the karma that results in those condescending thoughts! So my message for those 9-5ers is…KARMA. Your day will come.
However, don’t get me wrong, not all of this is hard work. I do spend most of my day playing with my son; reading to him, playing cars, sitting in his playhouse, going to the park, the library, playgroup, Gymboree, just to name a few. And I wouldn’t trade any of it for an 8 hour day at the office dealing with a bunch of hormonal B’s; especially those complaining over their morning coffee that their stay at home mom friend never calls/emails them.
Posted by joey on 02/12/09 at 12:12
and if there was an award for best comment EVAR, the award would go to Charlotte. Love it.
Posted by Nana on 02/13/09 at 9:10
Stay at home moms definitely do not get the credit nor the pay they deserve. That’s why I paid someone (day care) to take care of my angels while I went and pulled the 9-5. Had something to do with sanity also.
Posted by Vicki on 02/16/09 at 10:09
AMEN. Being a military spouse I think I’m around more SAHMs than normal so I feel more understood. Definitely a frustrating thing though.
Posted by Leigh Anne on 02/17/09 at 0:55
Will Charlotte marry me? Seriously.
Kel, I am not only taking this for my own blog, but I’m also giving you full credit. Since I’m stealing from you.
i will now gird my loins for the inevitable backlash I will receive from my mother and sister-in-law. Good times. Precious, tender moments…