Inspirations from cheese in a can. joey, kelly and danny.

it’s election day, y’all!  in honor of the occasion, i thought i would share my voting experience for this election.  from various sources, i gathered that a. an advanced voting option was available, b. lines of varying (but uniformly disheartening) lengths were involved, and c. there was no way to know if advanced voting would take more or less time than regular voting on election day.  what i did know was that if i went for the advanced voting, i could go solo, and if i did it on election day, i would have a two-year-old protege in tow.  yeah, exactly.  i went for the advanced voting.

last thursday, i dropped off my protege at ‘coe,’ which is how he says school.  my best intelligence indicated that the advanced voting station at a mall was my best option.  i had already determined that the station nearest my home was not a good option, having driven past it a number of times last week to see an astounding line, wrapped around the building, in really cold weather.  the mall situation was indoors, i happened to know.  so that’s where i went.  i arrived just before 10, and felt quite droopy to note that i had to walk probably a quarter of a mile to find the end of the line.  but then i was informed it should only take about an hour and a half, so i felt better.  THEN my worst nightmare of a line companion sidled up behind me and asked if she could go to the bathroom.  i think you should really volunteer your name at least before requesting bathroom privileges, but that’s just me.  then she told me for the first of 348 times that had she known that the line was indoors, she would have left her big, heavy coat in the car.  i pulled out my phone and furiously started texting, and then, because my phone was almost dead, i pulled out my very fat novel, and hoped that she’d get the idea that i was a snotty brat not interested in making friends in the polling line.  she didn’t really, but she did find easier prey behind her, and mostly left me alone after that.

while in the two-hour line, i saw an old work buddy, tom jones.  yeah, hard times for aging welsh pop singers.  k, not really, different tom jones.  one time at ibm when we were really bored, we had a pool going about how much change tom jones kept in his pockets.  he was very jingly.  i lost…i think i had $11, and the total was over $14.  anyway, he caught me up on how nobody i know works there anymore.  he calls me tofurkey, because i was a vegetarian when i first started working there, and i made the mistake of mentioning that particular vegetarian atrocity in front of him.  i tried to tell him i’m much more likely to eat a turducken than a tofurkey now, but to no avail.  in fact, his wife, whom i had never met, and who was standing right beside him asked:  ‘who is she?’ to which he replied, ‘that’s tofurkey.’  and she knew exactly who i was.  so i guess the tofurkey really made an impression on their family.

as the line slowly inched forward, i finally could see the end of it.  i could see where the polling would take place, and it was….jocks and jills?  seriously?  i’m going to cast my ballot in a sports bar?  as it turns out, it was an optical illusion, and i actually cast my ballot in another, more abandoned restaurant across the way, the former name of which i cannot recall.  jocks and jills did come around with hot cocoa, though.  i was too busy texting to take advantage of it, plus i figured i would have to pee, and i didn’t want to ask for bathroom privileges, so i passed.  but still, nice and all.  so whatever, i voted.  and since i had been smelling subway sandwiches for over an hour by the time i voted, i went back into the mall and got a sandwich.  i ate it, got back in my momvan, and went back to pick up my protege.  joey asked if i didn’t feel a little ripped off having to use my entire morning off to vote.  and sure, i did, a little.  but i saw a couple of moms there with their toddler proteges, and let me just say:  NO THANK YOU.  rip me off, but i’m not standing in a two hour line with THAT.  ferreal.

happy voting, all.  may it take you less time than it did me, and may you also be offered hot cocoa.