27 Jun
you internets have to know
i am aware that there are actual problems in the world, like hunger, tyrannies, natural disasters, and bad haircuts. so forgive my petty rant here. and i’m sure that i’ll have to explain the situation to you, as you all undoubtedly live in civilized households, far more technologically advanced than ours. meaning: you have garbage disposals. um, yeah, not so much here. no garbage disposal. i’m not even kidding. so, this means that all the noodles, produce stickers, cheese bits, and other oversized food particles all have to be removed from the sink by hand. this also means that whenever anyone comes to visit, the number of said particles expands exponentially, because everyone else in the world has a garbage disposal. and reasonably, they assume that i must, too, since i appear to have all my teeth and we have running water and a fine stable of motorized vehicles. so then naturally, i must have a garbage disposal, and all excess food belongs in the sink. false. wrong. incorrect. because all those oversized food particles that everyone has been licking and ultimately deemed unfit to eat? it’s my job to remove them. i am the official filth nugget remover. don’t get me wrong; though it is true that i am the official filth nugget remover, occasionally (read: when i start stomping around the kitchen and steaming from the ears) my darling husband will lower himself to remove the filth nuggets.
his willingness to stoop to help his cinderella stops at the dog turds, though–i am the official and sole dog turd collector. i have asked joey, more than once, to please assist on poop patrol, just once, so i don’t feel so all alone in protecting our child’s feet and mouth from canine excrement. he agrees, but never gets around to it. in a very non-confrontational manner, i recently asked ‘why is that?’ he said, ‘i grew up in a trailer park, and then i moved to a house where a dog was tied to a post right outside the front door. i don’t even see dog turds.’ and you know what, i’ll accept that. BUT YOU CAN’T NOT SEE THE FILTH NUGGETS. a sodden quarter-waffle flung itself onto my forearm just the other day, begging to get away from the rotting spaghetti noodle and the rancid strawberry hull. oh, but now i’ve grossed you all out. here’s the silver lining that will allow you to make it through your day: i guess in the grand scheme of things, my low station in life as sole turd collector and official filth nugget remover could be worse. i could be sporting a mullet while i gather my abominations. oh, god, i think i just threw up in my mouth a little.
Posted by Greg on 06/27/08 at 15:54
ROFL!!, ok so we totally know whats going in your stocking this Christmas…..I hope momma’s new fireplace can hold it!
Posted by Vicki on 06/27/08 at 16:27
You know they sell those things in stores. And I’m right there with you as the sole cat turd collector.
Posted by Joey on 06/27/08 at 16:30
They do sell those things in stores; but the store isn’t the one who has to put it in. Oh and I grew up in a house without a dish washer so this is the White House as far as I am concerned.
Posted by danyelle on 06/27/08 at 21:07
you have just captured my nightmare. filth nuggets, as you’ve so aptly named them, are the reason i cringe at doing dishes, and i HAVE a garbage disposal. but like you said, you never know when one might fly across the sink and jump on you. i think i’d prefer to pick up a turd. (firm, not loose) because at least then you definitely know to cover your hand with some disposable thing. ugh. and to joey: i grew up in a house where i helped wring out the poopy diapers in the toilet water, but i still can’t stand the filth nuggets and would not consider myself lucky if i had to touch them.
Posted by danyelle on 06/27/08 at 21:08
they’re moist for pete’s sake! what’s worse than moist! oh God help me to expel moist filth nuggets from my mind.
Posted by Joey on 06/27/08 at 23:46
I agree. The filth nuggets aren’t the most pleasant thing in the world but when it’s what you have to deal with, then you deal with it.
We figured it out anyhow. We are going to do like The Flintstones and put Heidi under one side of the sink and Chloe on the other side. That way maybe they can earn their keep.
Posted by Charlotte on 06/28/08 at 14:44
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly…you are going about this the wrong way my dear. Allow me to assist in the poop and nugget dilemma. You see…you married an individual from the male species so unless it directly impacts him, your futile attempts at non-confrontational reasoning are pointless. Simply cram the food down the little holes of the drain. Over time it will cause enough trouble that several bottles of Liquid Plumber (at $3.89 per bottle) will not be able to fix. Eventually a professional plumber will be required to remove the nuggetry from the pipes. This will undoubtedly cost a fortune, but since it’s not your job to provide finances to the household, this is no longer your problem. You just keep on washing those dishes, cooking those meals, washing those clothes, scrubbing those toilets and floors, changing diapers, caring for Danny all day, and collecting dog turds…that at some point may find their way into the backseat of someone’s car on a hot summer day. Good luck!
Posted by danyelle on 06/28/08 at 15:47
lol at charlotte’s comment. how come i’m so dumb and didn’t think of that? brilliant!
Posted by Courtney on 06/28/08 at 23:04
I so miss hearing these stories at work!!
Posted by Sara on 06/29/08 at 19:55
we lived in a house with no disposal for nearly THREE years. longest three years of my life. the first thing we did in this house was install a duper tough disposal. by we, i mean mike. sara doesn’t do plumbing. i bet mike would install one for you if you made him a cake. he does just about anything for cake. for realz.
Posted by Nana on 06/30/08 at 9:43
This almost sounds like a pissing match. What a horrid blog.!!! Everyone should have their job descriptions posted and stick with it.
Posted by Leigh Anne on 06/30/08 at 15:07
Yee-haw for white trash! Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaw.
Girl, we so don’t have a garbage disposal. OK, we do have one…it’s in the basement, where it does no good for anyone there. Maybe one day I’ll get our builder to install it, but for 3 years I’ve lived without and life has been just fine. ‘Casue I don’t mind scraping nuggets into the trash.
I am the sole litter box cleaner in this house. And it’s OK, too. Remember: I clean. I clean, I do laundry, I do dishes, and I clean some more. It’s my life. I’m OK with it. Most of the time.
This is most definitely the funniest thing you’ve ever written and it will one day appear on Lulaville as a “YOU MUST READ THIS” recommendation. That is, with your permission.
Posted by maria on 07/01/08 at 12:02
I thought every kitchen sink came with a disposal. maybe we can start up a donation site to raise funds for an end to filth nuggetry.
When i ask pd why he won’t clean the litter box, pick up cat vomit, or take sasha to the vet for anal gland squeezes, I am reminded that the kittehs are mine, not his. He will spot-bot pukes though, so at least there’s something.
Posted by maria on 07/02/08 at 14:23
btw. pd wanted to let you know he’s a trailer park kid too.